31 days of bipolar|day 4: this where i have come to…

this is where I begin again.

Young Dubs today… in my extreme OCD, I’ve added a field for link to the artist and song title at the bottom. I think I made it work without breaking my theme. It’s been a hot sec since I’ve done anything in php or css, so my head’s a bit sluggish on it. We’ll see if I like it or not.

Today’s prompt is one of my pet peeves. I’ll expand on the topic tomorrow — just wanted to get it up so I wouldn’t miss a day.

How do you feel about people who diagnose themselves online and then treat themselves for bipolar?

Honestly, it pisses me off. I sometimes wish that these folks could live a few days in my life. Depression is so soul-crushing that I literally feel like I’m dying.

I tend to use humor a lot to cope. I’ve lost a considerable amount of weight the past few months through the “depression diet”. Mania is scary. Try being blacked out for at least a weeks without the benefit of a few drinks.

I know it’s not my place to judge, but having bipolar is no joke.. not a thing to boast about. It is a serious illness that needs professional help to manage. It’s not just a couple of mood swings that really don’t affect the quality of someone’s life. It’s an illness that is relentless and will often cripple me emotionally because my extremes are so draining. I don’t know what it’s like to have relief from the symptoms that have haunted me for as long as I could remember, destroying everything in their path. It’s not something I could just turn off — it sadly doesn’t work that way. It bothers me because my illness is not a trend, but something I’ve had to live with and learn to cope with.

My “treatment” use to be self-medication. This was way before my illness was anywhere near my radar… The only things I could comprehend were that I really didn’t like not being able to just “get over” depression and how shitty it makes me feel, sometimes for months at a time with little relief. I would use sooo many drugs to try to chase what I learned to be mania. Mania is quite the temptress… because when I’m that high, I’m blacked out. I usually know that I feel great — for maybe a day. I use to always wish I was up that high, indestructible.

But when I’d be flying, I’d be drinking heavily to stop my head from going so fast. That was my “normal”, and I didn’t know that anything was up.

So it really bothers me when people say things like “the weather is so bipolar” or self-diagnose because they’ve had a bad day. I *wish* that I would just have one bad day. Like, I live in beautiful Philadelphia, PA, and I heard someone say this earlier — solely because it was about 65F this morning, t-shirt weather, and the forecast is Snowmageddon tonight (judging by the lack of milk, bread, and eggs at the store!). No, the weather does not have a severe, debilitating mental illness… It is Pennsylvania in February — sometimes, it just thunder-snows… that’s kinda normal around here at this time of the year.

With that, this blog is just one transgender man’s journey through life following a diagnosis — one that thankfully gave me some answers. My life didn’t end following the conscious knowledge that my head is wired differently than the majority, I was just granted tools to help me out when I’m living through mania-blackouts and depression hell. I’ve been using this blog as merely a coping method… and perhaps that young-adult who’s truly concerned about their mental health will do something about it and seek help.

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